What is couples counseling?

Our couple’s counselors have studied education or psychology and have therapeutic additional qualifications in couples and sexual therapy. They regularly participate in supervision and further training.

The counselors are impartial and usually do not give any advice, because what has worked for others, is often not suitable for the individual case. In spite of their impartiality, counselors must sometimes take a position, e.g. if children are seriously affected by the behavior of a couple or in the case of violence.

Counseling is also about the relationship with the counselor. Both partners should check whether they feel comfortable with this counselor.

Usually, counseling consists of a series of conversations = sessions with 3 people. The duration of the sessions is 60 or 90 minutes in a rhythm of once a week to once a month. As processes are started in counseling – e.g. to change certain behavior patterns – counseling can also take longer. The overall duration of couples counseling differs greatly: sometimes one clearing session is sufficient, but most take 5 to 20 sessions, and some even longer until the desired objective is achieved. This can not be defined precisely in advance.

Unfortunately, couples counseling does not work by the couple indicating their problems and the counselor finding the right solution, i.e. in the form of advice. Because general advice does not fit in a particular case usually.On the other hand, the partners often have differing opinions of what the problem is, or who caused it.

In the sessions, it is primarily about the couple engaging in a joint searching process, with the guidance and support of the counselor, to grasp the problem more precisely, and then develop and try out the right solution steps for them.

1. The first meeting

In the first meeting, an overall picture of the problem situation should become clear. Through targeted questions by the counselor, the partners manage to see the problem as a couple’s problem and not the problem of one individual. In the first meeting the couple gets an idea of how the counselor works and what the objective of the counseling is.

In addition, the couple and the counselor will agree the formal points such as costs, duration, frequency and cancelation conditions between them.

2. Look at the current situation

In this phase we look at the current situation of the couple: how is the communication culture? How does the couple organize their life together? How do they deal with conflict situations?

Often, an imbalance between giving and taking, autonomy and closeness or determination and adjustment are the reason why a relationship loses its equilibrium. One or both partners do not feel comfortable, and stubborn argument patterns develop. In counseling these patterns can be recognized, and alternative patterns of behavior can be sought, which must then be tried out in everyday life. In this way the equilibrium in the relationship can be restored, and the couple can reorganize their life together.

In this phase of counseling, it is also about discussing hurts from the couple’s history. Are hurts clearly mentioned, does the injured party have the feeling that the partner recognizes the hurts and does not dispute them? If the couple manages to take this step with the support of the counselor, an apology and the acceptance of the apology can be a healing process for the couple.

3. Looking into the past: life topics from the family of origin

In the phase of the reorientation of the couple, topics from the past are also often revived. It is frequently shown, that exactly what most attracted and fascinated the partners at the beginning of the relationship, is now what annoys and irritates them the most. There are two important reasons to look into this in more detail: on the one hand it can be the beginning of reviving the relationship for the couple, because the positives from back then have not gone away, rather they have been covered up by disappointments. Remembering this forms a counterweight to the current predominantly negative feelings and experiences. On the other hand, it becomes clear that various behavioral patterns have their origins in childhood, and that the partner did not “mean” to do it, rather has learnt something over her/his lifetime. If you look at this more closely in the counseling session, the partner can develop more understanding, and the person affected can try to change their behavioral pattern, which was appropriate early in life, but is now no longer helpful.

How couples shape their lives together has a lot to do with what they experienced in their families as children, e.g.: how did I experience the woman or man dealing with conflicts as a girl or boy? How were giving and taking, determining and adjusting etc. experienced? What effects did this have for me as a child? Where did I develop?

These topics show the life themes of the partners. This means that people often (unconsciously) try to do what they could not satisfactorily have regulated for them as children and adolescents, in later relationships. If this correlation becomes clear to the partners, then an important step will be taken in the counseling: each of the two parties gives the other intimate insights into his/her life story (a big proof of trust), and some extreme behavioral patterns by the other are explained for the partner. So, misunderstanding can become compassion, which is a good condition to search for ways out of ingrained patterns. The Swiss couple’s therapist Jürg Willi says: “In relationship problems you can see where each of us needs to develop.” So, the partners first of all have the chance to further develop for themselves, and then it is up to the couple to integrate these new developments into the partnership.

During the counseling process, it can also emerge that separation would be a more sensible step for a couple. A separation of the couple is not a failure, but rather just as brave of a step for a new beginning. For example, during counseling, partners can find out their skills in living and (re)shaping the relationship, and at the same time, that in the current partnership they are both blocking each other from further development. Then a separation would give each of them the chance to develop, and be the solution for this couple. Thereby, the role of the counselor is to support a fair separation and offer help, e.g. certain farewell and separation rituals, or transfer into mediation, if it comes to regulations regarding children and finances are necessary, so that there can be a separation with no losers.

4. Look to the future, completion of couples counseling

Couples counseling is not completed when all the problems have been eliminated. The couple’s therapist Hans Jellouschek describes the completion of counseling well with an image:

“The objective of couple’s therapy is not to work through everything until the last detail. It is much more like a river whose flow has stagnated, because branches or stones block the riverbed. The role of the couple’s counselor is to help to remove as many stones and branches as possible, to allow the water to flow again, even if everything is not yet resolved so that no more turbulences and stagnations exist. If the water stagnates again after a while, then it is time to ask for help again.”

A couple, early 30s, comes to couples counseling because the man cheated. They have a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Since the birth of the first child, the woman has been on parental leave. The man works a great deal to balance out the missing salary. In addition, he wants to make a career for him, to be able to offer his family something in the future. His wife takes care of the children and the household chores alone all day long, and wants to be relieved of this in the evening. She looks forwards to telling her husband about her day and her experiences with the children. However, when the husband comes home after work, he wants to relax first, instead of being “ambushed” by his wife and children at the door. Over time, the wife has become very disappointed that the man does not appreciate her efforts for the family, and respects her wishes so little. The husband does not understand, that the wife is becoming increasingly dissatisfied, although he works so much for the family and their financial security, and he even helps with household chores at the weekend. Both feel as though they are not recognized by the other, do not experience any respect for their efforts, do not feel seen and understood and are very disappointed by each other. In this situation, the wife no longer has any desire to sleep with her husband. There are arguments increasingly often, which become worse and more hurtful. The situation comes to a head when it emerges that the husband had an affair with a colleague.

When the couple comes to counseling, primarily the husband seems to be at fault for the relationship crisis. Because he cheated on his wife, which hurt her a great deal. However, when you understand the situation better, it can be seen that both of them contributed to the problems of lack of sexual desire and unfaithfulness, and therefore the crisis in their relationship.

The role of the counselor in this example is to enable the couple to see, that the problems that have arisen (lack of sexual desire and affair) are already attempts at a solution. Certainly, they are not “good” solutions. However, they show what it is actually about: recognition, respect, a good overall balance in the relationship – which both have not experienced for a long time.

If the couple succeeds in recognizing the involvement in the problem on both sides, and if the gaps of disappointment are not too deep, and the hurts are not too serious, with the help of counseling, solutions to the causes of the problems can be sought, and changes can be tried. In the best case scenario, the relationship will then be more satisfying for both parties than before the crisis.